Should be studying Derm. Can't make myself study any more tonight. Can't help but wonder what kind of student I would be if I had the ability to really focus, to get up early and study all day, to go to every class and really pay attention. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing my future patients a disservice, but at this point it's a little late for that. Maybe once I get in the clinics I'll be motivated, energized, turn into the kind of student I always think, somewhere deep inside, that I could be, that I desperately want to be. I'm terrified to walk into my Large Animal Emergency/Critical Care rotation on January 3, knowing how unprepared I probably am. I'd like to think that all that knowledge is stored somewhere in my brain, and that it'll all come out when I need it, but I'm just not sure. Even scarier, in a way, will be all those small animal rotations, where I really want to shine, really want to learn, but am so afraid that I'm going to stumble, that I'll go blank even when it's something I really know, just because I get nervous when people fire questions at me. I guess I'm going to have to get used to it.
Crazy Cat is asleep on my printer, her head hanging off the side, twitching in REM sleep and dreaming kitty dreams. Sometimes I wish I were a cat.
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